The maid of honor just puked.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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