you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Less talking, more tequila
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
