Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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