its not stalking. its research.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
