Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
