Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.