Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
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I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
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At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown