I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
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I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
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The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.