This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me