Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
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You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
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Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.