So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
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he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
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Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.