Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
