the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
