You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
this is an emotional support booty call
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
