i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
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I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
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He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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