Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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