That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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