sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
