This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
