Just fell off a train. Bad.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
