Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
