I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
