I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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