pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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