Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
