I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
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yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
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It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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