I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
