the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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