Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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