I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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