I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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