Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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