I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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