I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
