normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
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I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
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Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
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