I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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