I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
