i think my tv is drunk
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
