I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I supernannyed him into submission
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
