I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
