I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
