mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Randomize
