if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
