if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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