Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
