So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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