24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
