my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
