You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Randomize
