my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
