i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
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