Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
