God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
