Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
