thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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