Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Randomize
