When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
