I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
You can't special order awesome
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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